Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Mr. Mows All the Time and Mr. Waters All the Time

These could actually be the same person, but they are not.

Mr. Mows All the Time -- He mows twice a week whether the grass has grown or not. After he mows, he must notice how the grass suddenly looks browner. This is because shorter grass tends to lose water faster (he must not know this). So, he diligently sets up and moves around his sprinklers almost every evening.

Mr. Waters All the Time -- Every morning the street is wet, along with his driveway and sidewalk. His sprinkler system is clearly the program and forget kind. Or don't give a rat's ass kind. His grass is luciously green, however, even though it's no taller than a grasshopper and looks like a golf course (the only time he is outside is to mow his lawn, fyi--I should know, I'm outside all the time).

I forgot one.

Mr. and Mrs. Water for 5 Minutes -- I kid you not, their sprinkler system zones turn on for 5 minutes at a time (and spray over the fence on me, which is nice since it's hot out). Now what in the world are they trying to water? The air? That grass will have the shallowest root system ever so it can burn often, so they can water more, so I can get on this soap box and box soap to you.

And these are just my immediate neighbors. What do the folks two doors down do? I need a cupcake.

10 comments:

Frances said...

OOoooh, cupcakes! You distracted me from intelligent and sympathic tirades about mowing and lawns in general. Some people just love to mow, it soothes them on many levels, the roar of the machine, the manly excuse to be outdoors, the control of their environment, it's what their dad did, etc. I love that your neighbors give you a cooling shower for five minutes too. What a hoot! :-)
Frances

our friend Ben said...

Ah, yes, not to mention the astounding waste of gas. Here in Pennsylvania Dutch country, mowing every five seconds seems to be the norm, so no doubt all our neighbors hate us for letting our grass get tall enough to shade its roots and remain a lush green without any watering, feeding, or otherwise taxing our fragile ecosystem. But what really drives me insane is driving into one of the nearby towns during the hot, dry season and seeing everyone outside hosing down their sidewalks and driveways. What are they thinking?!!

jodi (bloomingwriter) said...

I'm up for cupcakes too, gang! I dont' get the mowing/watering/sooking over grass phenomenon either. I make Longsuffering spouse mow the lawn just before it will be so long as to need raking (it's big, I hate raking, and would rather just let the grass mulch back in.) We've never watered the grass ever. It just boggles my mind, what people do.

Victoria said...

People who use sprinklers on their lawns ought to be made by law to provide cupcakes for their neighbours.

Tatyana@MySecretGarden said...

A cupcake?! You need a shot of vodka!

Gail said...

from cupcakes to vodka...this is my kind of blog! gail

Les said...

Maybe we shouldn't all be so quick to judge. Perhaps some people who have a perverse obsession with the perfectly mown, perfectly irrigated, perfectly green and perfectly dull lawns - are channeling their frustrations from some unrelated psychosis. Those of us who are free from this obsesseion should be more sympathetic.

Benjamin Vogt said...

Frances--The first time I got sprinkled on I shuttered, but now I know where to go to get soem relief. Personally, I'd rather clean house top to bottom than mow the lawn.
OFB--Oh the hosing of driveways is crazy! Mr. Mows All the Time usinga gas blower to lear his drive and sidewalk after each mow. Keep in mind this is Nebraska, it's windy. I read somewhere that 45 minutes of mowing puts out as much pollution as driving for 600 miles. And Mr. and Mrs. Water for 5 Minutes also have a gas weed eater--I saw him the other day desperately trying to get it started. Pollution is the solution! Go pollution!
Jodi--I finally watered my lawn again last week, I'm sure it's done nothing though. We are 7 inches behind rain this year. I'm almost done with my cupcakes.
Victoria--Guess I'm guilty. Cupcakes are coming to you via airmail.
Tatyana--Too stron for me, but I'm so worked up maybe it isn't....
Gail--Hey, I am to please! Next week it's godiva and strawberry smoothies (spiked).
Les--We could be more sympathatic, or we could get worked up about it and scream and punch holes in the drywall when we throw our cats at it. Maybe.

Pam said...

Okay, let's see: cooling sprinkles of water, brown grass, cupcakes - and vodka. I think the neighbor that mows all of the time needs the vodka - and the neighbor that keeps the sprinkler on all of the time should make the cupcakes. And you need the vodka AND the cupcakes (and perhaps new drywall and community service hours at the local humane society)...

Or not.

Benjamin Vogt said...

Pam--Mayb not drywall, maybe foam insulation. Or concrete walls (that'd save on the heating and cooling bills-so would vodka?).