Saturday, March 24, 2012

L.A.W.N. -- Lusty Advocate for Wayward Nihilism

It has begun weeks early. As I type my walls are vibrating, and my neighbor is dripping sweat about to fall over, pushing his slave-driving mechanism back and forth over a chemically-dependent lawn, green unnaturally early. He must love it, because the instant the lawn turned this week he's out there.

The guy across the street mowed last weekend before his lawn was 50% green. Now that it's 75% he made sure to get up at 9 this morning and let everyone know 6 months of sheer hell was upon us like some starving grizzly bear looking for a mate.

I really, really must know what's with this ritual, why people enjoy this, what they get out of it, why these lawns are so important, what it does for them, what drives them. If I walked around the neighborhood taking an informal survey, I'd just end up getting punched in the face. But it beats hearing lawnmowers, smelling that exhaust, thinking about the greenhouse effect and all the money we give to petro-chemical corporations, imagining fields of wildflowers paved over with rolls of sod, watching birds flee to trees like ghosts.

The only wildlife I see in lawns around here are dogs squatting over brown patches laying chocolate eggs. 

We need an acronym, so if you come up with a good one, let me know. Here are some:


Likely A Wonky Nationalism

Leaping Anally While Needy

Look, A-holes Waking Neighborhood

Lacking Any Wisdom (about) Nature

Lusty Advocate for Wayward Nihilism

Lusciously Against Wildlife & Nature


mr_subjunctive said...

I like the "A-Holes" one. Though I'd spell the word out, 'cause that's how I roll.

I look forward to seeing the results of your neighborhood survey. (Come on. You know you want to.) You should maybe find one of those wraparound masks that boxers wear during practice first, though. (I'm picturing something like this.) And have someone get it on video.

Benjamin Vogt said...

Geeze Mr. S., do you think I could take even one blow with that mask on? You've seen me, I'm lanky. Still, you've given me an idea I might seriously pursue. Darn you.

Tracy Tucker said...

Leave All Windows Nailed Shut :)

Actually, judging by the two of them, they went the Exmark and John Deere mower route, rather than the Porsche for their midlife crises.

Sue Dingwell said...

Benjamin, I know its a sad condition, LAWN, but thanks for providing this chance to laugh! So funny! Do your neighbors have any idea how much entertainment they have been providing to their invisible audience over the years? I seriously worry about your safety.

Benjamin Vogt said...

Tracy--I think that's the standard mid life crisis to take. My 3 acre neighbor wears big airplane headsets as he mows. Do I get a pair?
Sue--I hope not, but if they do, I provide an alternative view which happens to be the right one. Nobody plants trees or shrubs around here--it's insane. In addition, no one speaks to each other anyway. I may wake up to a horse head, though. Never know.

Nancy said...

I know it's totally sacrilegious for a gardener to have done this, but two years ago we gave up on mowing, weeding, feeding, etc. and put in an artificial lawn. The garden design did not seem to allow other solutions, such as native meadow planting, etc., and believe me, I thought about them all. At 78, with bad back and knees, my husband had announced he would never mow a lawn again, although he had babied our lawn for 30 years, replanted it twice, etc. We actually really like our new tapis verte, and are not sorry. No mowing, no weeding, no watering, looks nice all year long. I know it's plastic, but the rest of our 13 acres provide enough natural life and vegetation to offset the small area it covers.

Unknown said...

LOVE the "a-holes" one, too--that gets my vote/

I actually thought about you when I mowed my mini-lawn yesterday! It took me maybe 5 minutes, I did it at 11am instead of too early in the morning, and I cut off as much grass as I left (with the mower at the highest setting)... but I still felt like Ms. Mows A Lot.

Seriously, I keep waiting for the day when I can get rid of this stupid thing and at least get a reel mower instead.

Donna@Gardens Eye View said...

While a-holes fits, I think they don't know anything else and Lacking or Lusciously fit the bill for me...of course they will be starting soon since the lawns are greening already in March...headed for a cool down though...seasonal temps will be back and we will see the casualties since too much is in bloom that shouldn't be...

ProfessorRoush said...

Loony And Wanking Nuts? Fitting, don't you think Benjamin?

Julie Stone said...

I vote for for "Lacking Any Wisdom about Nature", even though I know they lack it simply because they just don't care about it. These lawn people remind me of lemmings, they probably crave big green lawns because that's what our society tells them they should have. They probably also think there's something manly or macho about it, but I'll go ahead and say it, there are few things less sexy than a sweaty grass clipping covered guy smelling of two-stroke exhaust!

Benjamin Vogt said...

Nancy--Oh, you are forgiven if you have that much space devoted to wildness. And besides, what are older folks supposed to do? Hire some young whipper snapper to mow? I think not! :)
Kim--You better stop thinking of me. I was looking at the fiskars reel mowers, whoa, PRICEY. $250.
Donna--I dunno, I think here in Nebraska spring is gonna stick. It's been a warm, easy, snowless winter anyway (well, one big storm).
Dr R--Wanking nuts! I like that one!!
Julie--I vacillate between lemmings / not caring and uninformed about how much damage lawns and lawn care does to the environment, and their own health as they breathe in those fumes.

Les said...

Let's all work needlessly.

Benjamin Vogt said...

rock on, Les! Yes!

Kathy said...

I was going to say let's add water needlessly!