How To Scissor Grasshoppers

And the zen-like euphoria it produces.

Option 1 -- It's easiest to approach them from behind. Slowly, very slowy close the gap between the blades, then snip fast. This works about 20% of the time.

Option 2 -- Get them against the fence; it's harder for them to jump away or to get cover. Works about 25% of the time, but you scratch your fence.

Option 3 -- This is the best! They think that you can't see them so they scurry to the underside of a leaf. Well, considering how much damage they've done to almost evey type of plant in my garden so far (and it ain't even August yet--we're talking complete skeltonization of 3' x 3' plants and hundreds of hoppers), I'm willing to sacrifice a leaf or potential flowering stem to get them. Just snip right through the leaf. Approximate the middle of their body by their attennae and legs sticking out from behind. Works about 50-60% of the time, if not more once you get in the zone.

The art of grasshopper killing with scissors is an ancient one, handed down from the Chinese and Japanese bonsai masters--and popularized by Mr. Miyagi with his catch-a-fly-with-chopsticks technique. Try it! Not only will you feel calm and focused, you may have killed or seriously injured a female grasshopper.

In my book, even a legless grasshopper isn't as much of a threat as a two-legged insect. (And obviously the bigger they are, the easier they fall.)

Let the hate mail and comments for disgust ensue, but keep in mind pepper spray and molasses isn't working (esp molasses), and I don't believe in pesticides. This seems pretty darn organic to me, especially as I scissored about 20 tonight.

Namaste.